


As You Say, Commander

by phoenixquest



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Caring Lavellan, F/M, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, stubborn Cullen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 04:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19845715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixquest/pseuds/phoenixquest
Summary: Ellana comes across Cullen while he's sick. She doesn't know what's going on at first, but tries to help him anyway. Cullen, being the stubborn one he is, insists it won't happen again; Ellana agrees not to speak of it. Until the next time.





	As You Say, Commander

The first time Ellana Lavellan found their Commander struggling, she had no idea what was going on. She’d been out walking after supper, her own problems – not to mention her hand – troubling her. She’d heard a moan of pain from one of the tents – so quiet she almost missed it, would have if everyone had been as busy as usual. It was quiet in the dim twilight, though, and she hadn’t realized anyone else was even out here, away from the Chantry.

Stepping closer to the row of tents, she strained to listen, and managed to hear a soft curse; it was coming from Cullen’s tent. She was surprised, and slightly worried; surely he was alright, wasn’t he? She’d just seen him…wait. He _hadn’t_ been at dinner, with the rest. How odd.

“Cullen?” she called softly, tapping on the tent canvas. She heard a gasp of surprise, a clearing throat, and then a low, almost angry voice.

“Yes? Do you need something?”

“Are you alright?” Ellana asked, eyebrows knitted together in her concern. She’d never heard him sound like this before.

“Fine, Herald,” he replied, and she could _hear_ his teeth clench. “What do you need from me?” She frowned then, her worry getting the best of her.

“I don’t need anything,” she said, pushing open the tent flap, “but you sound – Creators!” She breathed, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise when she saw him, clothed only in his tunic and smalls, sweating through the garments despite the cold. “Commander, what’s the matter?”

He met her eyes, and she was sure she’d never seen anyone look so miserable. Nonetheless…

“I’m fine,” he tried to tell her, before shuddering with pain. “Just – a bit under the weather. I’ll be fine in the morning, if we could speak of plans then?”

“I’m not here to talk business,” Ellana said, shaking her head as she let the tent flap fall behind her. She was cold, even with her cloak on; to be sweating as much as he was, he had to be ill. “What’s the matter? Do you need anything?”

“Maker – _no_!” Cullen insisted, his face red – though she wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed or overly warm. “Everything’s fine. I can handle it.” At the last word, he couldn’t seem to hold it back anymore; he gripped his head, groaning like she’d heard in the first place, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Cullen,” Ellana said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Please. Let me – help you, or…or… _something_.” Cullen grimaced as he let his hands fall, trembling.

“There isn’t anything you can do,” Cullen told her. “It’s just…just a headache.” Her mouth formed an “oh” of comprehension.

“My friend Lianni gets those, sometimes,” she said, keeping her voice quiet; she knew loud noises would make them worse. “They’d keep her in bed all day. The Keeper had a remedy that’d help, sometimes, if you want to try it.”

Cullen offered a very small, pained smile.

“Thank you, but I don’t think it’s the same thing,” he said.

“Oh,” she said again. “Well, a symptom’s a symptom,” she added with a shrug. “It still might help you. I’ll be right back; I know just how to make it, and I’m sure Adan has the supplies.”

Before Cullen could rebuff her again, she was back out of the tent, hurrying back toward the apothecary’s hut. Whether it was the same sort of headache Lianni got or not, it was still possible it’d help him…and she couldn’t say how much it hurt her to see him so miserable. He’d been so kind to her at every turn, so sweet, so caring, when she was so lost and confused about everything. It was the least she could do, if it could help.

In short order, she had the potion made and came back to Cullen’s tent. She wondered what was wrong with him, if he was so sure it wasn’t that headache; she knew without a doubt, though, she’d never get him to confess it to her. Not that it mattered; she’d just try to help anyway.

“Here you – oh,” she whispered, entering the tent to find Cullen lying on the ground, clutching his head again.

“Herald – “ Cullen grunted, seeing her, and wincing again as he spoke.

“Shh,” she said, kneeling beside him. “Don’t worry. It’s fine. Here,” she added, holding the potion out to him. “Give it a try.” He reached for the vial she held with a desperation that startled her, like it was a lifeline. She watched as he gulped it down, waiting to see if it would help; it was always pretty quick for Lianni.

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen breathed after a few moments, and she could see the tension around his eyes lessen, just a bit.

“Any better?” she asked.

“Y-yes, actually,” Cullen replied, seeming quite surprised. “I still feel…not great,” he admitted, staring in some wonder at the empty vial, “but…better.” He looked up at her gratefully. “Thank you.”

Ellana smiled at him.

“You’re welcome,” she said softly. “Are you sure there’s nothing else I can do?” He smiled again, a little more sincerely this time.

“I thank you, but you’ve already done more than enough,” he replied. “I promise you, I’ll be fine tomorrow.” He cleared his throat again, then looked down at himself, as though suddenly realizing he was only in underthings. “Maker. I’m sorry, Herald,” he said, trying to make his voice more formal, more like it usually was, though he couldn’t quite do it. “I didn’t – “

“Hey,” Ellana said, shaking her head. “It’s fine, Cullen, I’m happy to help – “

“No,” he cut her off firmly. “I am the Inquisition’s Commander, and this was…unacceptable. I’m sorry you had to see me like this. It won’t happen again.” Ellana was going to protest, to assure him it was fine, but she saw the determined set of his jaw; she knew it was fruitless.

“Of course, Commander,” she said instead, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

“Er…perhaps we could refrain from speaking of this,” he added, rather sheepishly.

“Naturally,” Ellana nodded. “Take care of yourself, Commander.” With that, she got up, leaving the tent with just one glance back at him. She smiled as he gave her a small wave.

*****

The second time, they were camped in the snow, Creators only knew where. Solas had told them of a refuge they could seek, but that didn’t bring the place any closer, and most of the camp was downright grouchy.

They’d lost Haven; that Ellana had made it back to them was nothing short of a miracle. She was starting to question the whole “Andraste’s Chosen” thing herself – she wasn’t particularly interested in shem religion, but _something_ certainly had to be guiding her.

Ellana was musing – or brooding, as Varric would probably tell her – on all of it when she was supposed to be sleeping. Walks generally helped her clear her head, though, and sleep was definitely not forthcoming tonight. Walking to one side of the camp’s perimeter, she saw Cullen’s fur-covered mantle sticking out from the other side of a tree; she knew the man was on watch, and decided to talk to him, rather than continue engaging in her own circular thoughts.

“Any archdemons around tonight, Commander?” she joked as she approached, only to hear a pained grunt from him. 

Catching sight of his face, she saw he was in terrible shape; they were all exhausted, of course, after all that had happened, but it seemed the Commander was having another of his headaches…or whatever they were. Her face turned serious.

“Cullen,” she said quietly. “You’re not well.”

“None of us are well,” Cullen bit back, though she could see the trembling in his hands and the pain in his eyes again. “It’s fine.”

Ellana sighed, shaking her head, but she knew it was no good to argue with him, and she’d promised before not to bring it up again. She wouldn’t break that promise.

“You’re in no fit state to stand watch,” Ellana said firmly. “Go and get some sleep, Commander.”

“I’m on watch,” he ground out, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “I’m not leaving the camp vulnerable because I’m _weak_.”

Ellana snorted, rolling her eyes.

“You aren’t _weak_ ,” she retorted. “You’re unwell. Sleep, Cullen,” she added more softly. “I’ll take your watch; I’m awake anyway.” She wished she could make him some more of that potion, even if it only helped a little, but supplies were scarce enough she had no chance.

“I couldn’t let you do that,” Cullen said, though she could tell he was tempted.

“Well, I’m making you,” she said with a small smile. “I’m relieving you of your post for the evening, Commander. I’ll take it from here.”

Cullen shook his head wearily, looking defeated.

“Perhaps you’re right,” he conceded. “I’m not…at my best.” He paused. “What am I to tell the others, then?”

“That I insisted,” Ellana smiled brightly. “You all know how stubborn I am by now. You think they’d question it?”

Cullen gave a small chuckle at that.

“Right.” He cleared his throat, pushing himself away from the tree, and took a couple of wobbly steps toward his tent. “This won’t happen again, Herald. Can we not speak of this again?”

“Of course, Commander,” Ellana said with a small smirk, agreeing easily. Was that how it was to be, then? She didn’t mind. “Get some rest.”

*****

It happened again just after they arrived at Skyhold; this one was worse. She caught him emptying his stomach in the barn; alone, as Blackwall had already gone to the tavern for the evening. She’d only meant to come visit her hart, but she’d found Cullen there anyway, miserable and sick.

Once more, he insisted it would never happen again; once more, she agreed to never speak of it. She helped him up to his room that time, and then headed off to make the potion she’d given him before. There wasn’t much in the way of supplies, but she managed to scrape enough together for one, which she delivered to his room without comment. She bade him good night after setting the vial on his desk and left, letting him be alone.

*****

He told her about it, finally, confessing what had been going on all this time. Standing behind his desk, the Commander confided that there was something more she should know. He told her about the lyrium, how it gives Templars their powers. How without it, they can even go mad. How he no longer takes it.

She was worried; she doesn’t know a great deal about lyrium, but what she does know doesn’t point to this being anything good. She knew that coddling him wouldn’t do any good; as much as she’d like to hug him, hold him, take the pain away, she knew that wasn’t possible.

“I’m glad you told me,” she said instead. “I’ll trust Cassandra; I know she knows what she’s doing. But,” she couldn’t help adding, “if you…need anything. I’m here, Cullen.”

“Thank you,” he said, and he sounded so sincere and so surprised that it hurt her heart a little bit. But she smiled, assured him it was alright, and told him she was proud of him for trying.

*****

It wasn’t a week after that he succumbed to another episode. They were playing chess in the garden – a fun pastime they’d come to share – and he was acting oddly. He was flushed, but not in the way she was accustomed to with her flirting throwing him off. He began to sweat, and soon politely excused himself, all but running back to his quarters. She sighed, putting the pieces away, and waited. She knew rushing after him would draw attention, and was even more certain he’d hate that.

In the meantime, she picked the herbs she’d need from the little corner garden she’d planted and headed inside to mix up the potion.

She found him collapsed at the ladder to his sleeping area, unable to even climb it, armor half off and sweating profusely through what he’s still wearing.

“Here you go,” she said softly, handing him the vial, but his hand was trembling too much to take it from her. She poured it into his mouth instead, not mentioning it. 

When it was drained, she proceeded to remove the rest of his armor, trying to make him as comfortable as possible. Her face heated as she got him down to nothing but his smallclothes; in another situation, she’d be quite happy for the opportunity. But for now…he needed caring for, whether he’d admit it or not.

“Inq…Inquisitor,” Cullen breathed, his whole body shaking. “I – “

“By the Dread Wolf, Cullen, just call me Ellana,” she chastised, keeping her voice quiet and lightly teasing. “No one else is even around.”

“Ellana,” he murmured, and she felt her heart skip a little. “I need…”

“Tell me,” she whispered. Her potion didn’t seem to have helped as much this time. “What can I do, Cullen?”

“I believe I’m about to be sick,” Cullen admitted, and she could see he looked it. 

She brushed her fingers gently across his brow before getting up, retrieving a bucket from near the door, returning to him just in time. Thankful she’d never been the squeamish sort, she rubbed his back soothingly as he retched, shaking uncontrollably.

She hurt for him; if only she could fix it. Make him better. Do…something. She felt helpless, but then he stopped heaving and leaned into her, too worn out to make arguments like usual. She ran her fingers through his hair, rubbing his shoulder, trying to sooth him.

A little while later, he stopped shaking so much and seemed to be a little steadier; he righted himself, anyway, and managed to stand.

“Apologies,” he said in a rough voice, not looking at her. “I shouldn’t have shown such weakness. It won’t - “

“Happen again,” she finished with him, a wry smile on her lips. She patted his arm. “And we won’t speak of it.” 

He gave her a sheepish little smile and turned to climb the ladder.

She watched him up it, making sure he didn’t fall – though admittedly, she couldn’t do much if he did, he was twice her size. She heard him get settled and quietly left, posting one of Leliana’s people outside the door to keep anyone from bothering him. She knew the girl would be discreet; Leliana would not tolerate anything less.

*****

Ellana opened the door to Cullen’s office, only to duck a moment later when a box flew at her head. She’d just come from speaking with Cassandra and knew the Commander was upset, but that had surprised her.

“Maker’s breath!” Cullen exclaimed upon seeing her. “I didn’t hear you enter. I – “ he stopped, his shoulders falling. “Forgive me.”

“So long as you weren’t aiming at me,” Ellana smirked. “I’m sure the box had it coming.” Rather than smiling like she’d hoped, he turned from her. 

“I swear, I didn’t know you were – ugh,” he broke off with a groan of pain, leaning against his desk for support. She went to him in concern; another episode with his headache seemed imminent. “I never meant for this to interfere.”

“Are you going to be alright?” Ellana asked softly, putting a hand on his arm. 

“Yes,” Cullen answered at once, before pausing and correcting himself. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

“Do you need to talk? Or should I get some of the headache potion?” Ellana asked.

“No, I – I’m alright,” Cullen said, sounding somewhat distracted. “You asked what happened to Fereldan’s Circle,” he continued, somewhat surprising her. “It was taken over by abominations. The Templars – _my friends_ – were slaughtered.” He paused here, seeming to gather himself; Ellana didn’t interrupt, nor did she push when he walked away to look out the window. “I was tortured,” he managed, and Ellana barely held in a horrified gasp. “They tried to break my mind, and I – how can you be the same person after that?” 

He paced back and forth in front of the window for a moment, but she sensed that there was more and was afraid if she interrupted, he’d only get flustered and ask her not to speak of this again. She wanted to hear him out, so she stayed quiet.

“Still, I wanted to serve,” he finally went on. “They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my knight-commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness.” He glanced over at her, almost seeming surprised that she was still there, but continued. “Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

“Of course I can,” Ellana answered immediately, going toward him. “I – “

“Don’t!” Cullen demanded, and she stopped in her tracks. “You should be questioning what I’ve done! I thought this would be better,” he said, frustrated. “That I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t leave me… How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry! I should be taking it! _I should be taking it_.” 

He sounded so defeated at the end that Ellana’s heart nearly broke. She jumped when, just a moment later, he punched the wall in his frustration.

“This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition,” Ellana told him softly. “I know you think everything is about duty and the Inquisition, but… is this what _you_ want?” 

Cullen let out a long breath.

“No,” he confessed, the anger seeming to drain out of him. Ellana chanced a walk toward him again. “But… these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse – if I cannot endure this – “

Ellana put a hand on his arm, stopping him. He looked at her. 

“You can,” she said firmly. “I know you can, Cullen.”

“And how can you know that?” he asked, the smallest of smirks gracing his lips this time.

“Because you’re the most determined and duty-driven bastard I’ve ever met,” Ellana said with a laugh, squeezing his arm. “Because if nothing else, your sense of duty will never allow you to fail.” He managed a tight laugh, too.

“And I have you,” he added, looking at her with gentle eyes. She smiled.

“Of course you have me,” she assured him. “You can’t know how much you mean to me, Cullen. This is important to you, and so it’s important to me. Besides,” she added, “you know better than to disagree with Cassandra, right? I learned that lesson a long time ago.” He managed a real laugh this time.

“All right, you have a point,” he agreed. 

“You know she isn’t going to feel sorry for you,” Ellana pointed out. “If she thinks you’re unfit, she’s going to tell you so.”

“True,” Cullen conceded. He paused, looking down at her. “And you? Do you think I’m unfit?”

“What a question,” Ellana laughed. “Of course not. You bust your balls daily for this Inquisition. You work harder than _I_ do, and we both know that’s saying something. I’m firmly with Cassandra on this,” Ellana informed him. “You are the best we could have.”

“Thank you, Ellana,” Cullen said quietly. He moved his arm from under her hand to bring up and brush aside a lock of her hair. “Thank you for… always being there.”

“Anytime, Cullen,” Ellana said, staring into his eyes. “You know that.”

“I do,” Cullen smiled, and he leaned in to kiss her softly.

*****

Cullen lasted for some time after that, feeling better, not having any further episodes. Ellana started to think maybe it had reached an end; she was grateful, if nothing else than for the peace of mind it would give _him_.

It was all the more a surprise, then, when she walked into his office to find him sweating and clutching his head as he leaned on the desk.

“Oh, Cullen,” she said softly, startling him into looking up. She set down the tray of food she’d brought for them to eat, going to his side.

“Inq- Ellana,” he corrected, his voice tight. “I – I’m not very hungry. I apologize – “

“Stop,” she said, her voice light as she stroked his hair with a gentle hand. “Are you already out of potions?” She’d made him a stock to keep, once the supplies were plentiful enough.

“No,” he confessed. “I – I’ll be fine. I don’t need to waste one on this.”

“You are ridiculous, you know that?” she asked fondly. She reached down into the desk drawer where she knew he kept the bottles and uncorked one.

“I don’t need it,” Cullen protested weakly. 

“Your Inquisitor demands you take it, Commander,” Ellana teased, and she noticed a twitch of his lips that might’ve turned into a smile if not for the groan of pain that issued instead. “Look, it’s too late, I already uncorked it. You have to take it now,” she pressed.

“And _I’m_ ridiculous,” Cullen muttered, but he took the bottle from her anyway and gulped it down. 

“You are,” Ellana insisted, a small smile on her lips. “How long have you been feeling…?”

“A few hours,” Cullen admitted. “I was trying to get through these reports…”

“The reports will still be there,” Ellana reminded him. “You should rest.”

“But – “ He broke off with a sigh. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Get on up to bed,” Ellana encouraged, offering her support as he stood. He stumbled a little, but she knew better than to say anything about it, so she just continued to lead him to the ladder up to his loft.

“Thank you,” he murmured, stopping to lean on the ladder and look back at her. “Ellana…” He trailed off, not seeming to know how to finish his sentence.

“What is it, my love?” she asked softly. “Anything you need.”

“Will you… if you have the time… could you… stay?” he finally got out. 

Ellana smiled at him, shaking her head in amusement.

“You have but to ask,” she said, and didn’t miss the hugely relieved look on his face. “Come on.” 

She went up the ladder behind him, helping him get the armor off – he insisted on wearing it, on being prepared, even when he was only sitting in his office.

“You know,” Cullen said as he got into bed in his underclothes, making room for her as well, “I always ask you never to mention this again.”

“You do,” Ellana said, barely managing not to roll her eyes. “And you should know by now – “

“You never do,” Cullen cut in, looking at her with something like wonder in his eyes. She stayed quiet. “How many times has this happened, and you’ve never once mentioned it.”

“I keep my word,” Ellana said, looking straight back into his eyes. “You know it bothers _you_ more than anyone else. I’m hardly going to berate you over it.”

“Yes, but… you don’t nag, either,” Cullen replied. To her surprise, he brought an arm up to stroke her face; he usually didn’t have much strength at times like this. She leaned into the touch. “You just… leave it be. Just as I ask. And you keep coming back.”

“Of course I do,” Ellana told him. “I’d never break my word to you, Cullen. I know what this means to you… and despite what you seem to think, I do care, you know,” she teased. “I’m not going to leave you to deal with it alone. Not when I can help.”

“Ellana… I love you,” Cullen whispered. “I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Ellana said with a smile, putting her hand over his and moving it to kiss his palm. “And I love you, too.”

“You don’t have to stay,” Cullen said suddenly, looking worried. “I know you’re busy – “

“Hush,” Ellana said, stroking his face in return. “I’m never too busy for you, my love. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Cullen murmured, his eyes already drooping.

“Rest,” Ellana whispers. “I’ll be here. Just rest.”

He fell asleep with a hint of the crooked smile on his face, and finally seemed at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this one! It was a long time in the making but I couldn't get it out of my head. I love comments/kudos :)


End file.
